Now these are funny…
1) your favorite pickup line is, “What’s your favorite augmented sixth chord?”
2) your second favorite pickup line is, “Would you like to raise my leading tone?”
3) you have ever told a joke with a punchline of: because it was polyphonic!
4) you only sing tunes that make good fugal subjects.
5) you dream in four parts.
6) those “parasitic” dissonances make you queasy, especially when left unresolved.
7) you can look at a piece by Bach and say, “You know, I think he could have gotten a better effect this way . …”
8) you can answer your phone with a tonal or a real answer.
9) you like to deceive your friends and loved ones with deceptive cadences.
10) you only drink fifths, and then you laugh at the pun.
11) you feel the need to end Tchaikovsky’s Pathetique Symphony with a picardy third.
12) instead of counting sheep, you count sequences.
13) you find free counterpoint too liberal.
14) you wonder what a Danish sixth would sound like.
15) the Corelli Clash gives you goosebumps.
16) you have ever quoted Walter Piston.
17) you can hear an enharmonic modulation coming a mile away.
18) you like to march to the rhythms of Stravinsky’s “Le Sacre du printemps.”
19) your license plate says: T351.
20) you have ever tried to do a Schenkerian analysis on “Three Blind Mice.”
21) you have ever tried to do a Schenkerian analysis on John Cage’s 4’33”.
22) you have ever pondered on what an augmented seventh chord would sound like.
23) bass motion by ascending thirds or a sequential pattern with roots in ascending fifths immediately strikes you as “belabored.”
24) you lament the decline of serialism.
25) you know what the ninth overtone of the harmonic series is off the top of your head.
26) you can name ten of Palestrina’s contemporaries.
27) you enjoy the tang of a tritone whenever you can.
28) you have ever found a typographical error in a score by Berio, Stockhausen, or Boulez.
29) you have ever heard a wrong note in a performance of a composition by Berio, Stockhausen, or Boulez.
30) you have ever played through your music as if the fingering markings were figured bass symbols.
31) when you’re feeling prankish, you will transpose Mozart arias to locrian mode.
32) you keep a notebook of useful diminutions.
33) you have composed variations on a theme by Anton Webern.
34) you have trained your dog to jump through a flaming circle of fifths.
35) you have ever used the word “fortspinnung” in polite conversation.
36) you suspiciously check all the music you hear for dangling sevenths.
37) you feel cheated by evaded cadences.
38) you liked differential calculus because it reminded you of set theory.
39) every now and then you like to kick back and play something in hypophrygian mode.
40) you wonder why there aren’t more types of seventh chords.
41) you wish you had twelve fingers.
42) you like polytonal music because, hey, the more keys the merrier.
43) you abbreviate your shopping list using figured bass.
44) you always make sure to invert your counterpoint, just in case.
45) you know dirty acronyms for the order of sharps.
46) you consider all music written between 1750 and 1920 to be “rather elementary.”
47) you memorize dates and times by what they would sound like in set theory.
48) you can not only identify any one of Bach’s 371 Harmonized Chorales by ear, but you also know what age it is on in the Riemenschneider edition and how many suspensions it has in the first seven bars.
49) you long for the good old days of movable G-clefs.
50) you got more than half of the jokes in this list.
The Southern Baptist Convention will be holding its annual meeting in North Carolina June 13-14 this year. They will be electing a new president this year, and there is a push (largely through blogs and other internet forums) by many younger pastors to elect someone not in the ‘inner circle’.
The tradition has been for the SBC president to be a pastor of a mega-church (8,000-15,000 + members), have a large number of baptisms in the last year (since that is the only true measure of whether a church is functioning properly), and be someone willing to make more rules for everyone to follow. There is a grassroots campaign to elect someone who is willing to make changes in rules that no longer have the same meaning, someone who is, at the very least, sympathetic to the growing Reformed movement in the SBC, someone who is willing to focus only on the essentials. The Old Guard is doing it’s best to try and discredit those who embrace the use of blogs to let people know what is really going on.
Wade Burleson, a Southern Baptist pastor in Oklahoma who is at the center of the SBC blog controversy, wrote a post recently entitled I Believe in the Fundamentals But Don’t Call Me a Fundamentalist on his blog. He includes this ditty, crediting it to Chuck Swindoll:
Believe as I believe no more, no less;
That I am right (and no one else) confess.
Feel as I feel, think only as I think;
Eat what I eat, and drink what I drink
Look as I look, do always as I do;
And then and only then I’ll fellowship with you.
He ends his post with this comment: “God save the SBC from Fundamentalism.”
The House voted Tuesday to further choke off the flow of U.S. aid to the Hamas-controlled Palestinian Authority, drawing the displeasure of the Bush administration and dividing the pro-Israel lobbying community.
The measure, approved 361-37, would cut off aid to non-governmental groups working in the West Bank and Gaza except for health programs and would deny visas to members of the Palestinian Authority. It also would ban contacts with Hamas because of its classification as a terrorist organization and limit the president’s authority to waive the aid bans.
The White House, which has already cut off funds for the Hamas-led government until it recognizes Israel’s right to exist and renounces acts of terrorism, criticized the bill as unneeded and overreaching in its restrictions.
“The issue is not Hamas,” said Rep. David Price, D-North Carolina, a critic of the bill. “The issue is rather the bill’s ban on aid to all non-governmental groups, private groups and organizations, many of whom are diametrically opposed to Hamas’s philosophy.”
I can’t believe this bill was even considered, much less passed by such a resounding majority in the house. To cut off all money to private groups trying to make a difference is completely illogical. It is impossible for me to follow their reasoning. They disagree with Hamas, ignore the fact that they were put into power primarily because of their humanitarian work, and decide the best way to provoke change is to try and make their lives worse.
Where are the christian groups protesting this bill? Oh, I know. They are busy claiming that “they” are going to make Mother’s and Father’s day cards disappear (Richard Land).
Singer/songwriter David Wilcox has a new CD out. He posted the following on his website, www.davidwilcox.com.
I am so looking forward to you hearing my new CD called Airstream which I have just started recording. No, wait.
Oh yeah, and there’s also this other new CD called VISTA that comes out today that some of you may not have heard yet, so let’s talk shall we?
As your musical doctor, I recommend that you immediately get the CD and immerse your heart in the sounds. It’s also good for your mind to memorize all the lyrics, and then we can start this conversation in depth, rather than at the beginning. Why wait for the healing to begin? Haven’t you been hurting long enough? The music carries the right medicine. For example, although it may not be obvious that the second half of the second verse of the song COMING ALIVE is about sex, it most certainly is. It was obvious at the moment of conception that this union was profoundly different than anything before. Could I have somehow known that Nance and I had started the life of our child? It was a place in time where there was an opening into forever. I didn’t have the language for it, but I felt it at the time, deep and strong. But the song isn’t about sex.
That verse, the song, the whole CD VISTA seems to be about coming alive in the big sense of it. I see that now. I never know what a new CD is about until after it’s done. I don’t see what I’m going through until I look back on the songs and realize there’s a pattern to what I’ve been writing about. So this past while for me has been about learning to be very much alive and awake. Some of the songs on VISTA came to me before I was really able to sing them with conviction. I guess my life wasn’t there yet. But now I’m learning some of what these songs have been teaching me about taking my stand and daring to live, and now I can sing them from experience and they feel true. I wish I could tell you about it, but words don’t do it. They can’t. It’s like if you tried to bring a bright piece of coral home from your dive trip to the island. It was bright and alive when it was down deep in the ocean, but when it sits on your coffee table it turns grey and dead as cement. Words emersed in spirit soon dry out and die just as dead. But if you let the music lead you back there and take you below the surface, the sun shimmers through the waves and somehow reflects in living color that shines in your heart. Music dares us to dive in where life is deep.
Do I ask too much from music? I don’t think so. All my life I have believed in what a good song promises: It wakes a sleepy heart like the smell of breakfast cooking so that we hunger for a life of love and true adventure. I made breakfast for you and I hope you like it.
N. T. Wright, an Anglican Bishop and a leading British New Testament scholar, for whom I have a lot of respect, gave a lecture last year at Seattle Pacific University entitled Decoding the Da Vinci Code. I just came across a transcript of it recently, and found his introduction interesting. He explores the reasons as to why people are so susceptible to believing stories like Da Vinci Code and Left Behind, articulating it much better than I have.
Telling Fact from Fiction
It is a well-known feature of today’s culture that some people can’t tell fact from fiction. Stories abound of people who believe the characters in soap operas to be real, including tales of thousands of baby clothes being sent to radio stations after one of the fictitious characters has given birth, and of actors being attacked in the street by people angry about the bad behavior of their screen character. Within a would-be Christian subculture the same thing becomes sinister, as when millions who read the Left Behind series really do believe not only in the “rapture” as a central element of their theology but in the sociopolitical ideologies powerfully reinforced by that series. In a sense, Dan Brown represents the mirror image of LaHaye and Jenkins, reproducing in fictionalized form some of the myths of the postmodern world as LaHaye and Jenkins reproduce in fictionalized form some of the myths of the fundamentalist right.
You can read his full essay here.
Pat Robertson continues to dazzle all of us with his logic and foresight.
“If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms,” Robertson said May 8th on his 700 Club. Yesterday, he added, “there well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest.”
Robertson said the revelations about this year’s weather came to him during his annual personal prayer retreat in January.
I agreed with Jerry Falwell recently. I think this is the first time that has happened.
Let’s see… It wasn’t about this:
“AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh’s charioteers.”
I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America—I point the finger in their face and say “you helped this happen.” (speaking of 9/11)
Oh, here it is:
Alan Wisdom, president of the Institute on Religion and Democracy, stated this week, “Churches should be reluctant to attach the name of the Gospel of Christ to contemporary political agendas that lack a clear scriptural mandate and consensus among the faithful.”
I think those are very wise words.
He made that last statement in his e-mail newsletter on 2/10/06 after a group of Evangelicals issued a statement (concerning global warming) he didn’t like.
It sounds like great advice to me, Jerry. You should try following it sometime.