NOTE: Before you read this post, I have to warn you that I am a big fan of satire. If you are offended by satirical humor, you will inevitably become upset when reading certain posts. I will not always feel compelled to label posts that contain satire, so keep that in mind. And now, let the fun begin:

Joel Kilpatrick, creator of LarkNews.com, recently wrote a new book, A Field Guide to Evangelicals & Their Habitat.
I bought it soon after it came out a couple weeks ago, and finished it by that evening, all 170 pages. The reason it is so funny is because so much of it is true.

I have written before on why I think the political positions many conservative evangelicals take is contra-Biblical, so I especially enjoyed this section on Biblical interpretation. The key to trying to defend a political position you endorse by using scripture is really very simple; you just have to know how to read it the right way. For example:

Here is how evangelicals interpret Bible passages to arrive at their political positions:

This passage: “Remember the poor” (Galatians 2:10)
really means: Remember how lazy the poor are and thank God you’re not on welfare like them.

This passage: “My kingdom is not of this world” (Jesus in John 18:36)
really means: But for now, make sure you keep control of the White House and Congress.

This passage: “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s” (Jesus in Matthew 22:21)
really means: Only pay taxes on money you can’t hide from the IRS.

This passage: “Thou shalt not kill” (God in Exodus 20:13)
really means: Kill only those who deserve it—like death row inmates, abortion doctors, sworn enemies of the United States, and the French, when possible.

This passage: “Do not mistreat an alien or oppress him” (God in Exodus 22:21)
really means: Vote against government benefits for illegals.

This passage: “The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and care for it” (Genesis 2:15)
really means: Don’t worry about the environment because when Jesus comes back he’ll destroy the earth anyway.

Thanks to Shaun for bringing this book to my attention.